Death is a doorknob made of flesh.

Only once at LMC did I leave my office keys at home.  As such luck works, of course, no one was around to unlock the door, so I had to go back.  That's the only reason why I caught "The Writer's Almanac" on NPR.

Listening with half an ear, I was passing Lowe's headed quickly back to the school when Garrison Keillor read Jim Harrison's poem "Larson's Holstein Bull" -

Death waits inside us for a door to open.

Death is patient as a dead cat.

Death is a doorknob made of flesh.

Death is that angelic farm girl

gored by the bull on her way home

from school, crossing the pasture

for a shortcut.  In the seventh grade

she couldn't read or write.  She wasn't a virgin.

She was "simpleminded," we all said.

It was May, a time of lilacs and shooting stars.

She's lived in my memory for sixty years.

Death steals everything except our stories.

It was a delayed reaction, but I rolled the third line over and over in my head for a few seconds until I physically shuddered.  I knew what Harrison meant: I could anticipate what a "doorknob made of flesh" would feel like in my hand - reaching out, expecting cold metal and instead finding warm (slightly warm?) skin, thin skin, covering harder bone underneath.  Same way it feels to touch someone's hand, or elbow, or jawline, minus the positive emotional component.

There's much more to the poem, but I never forgot that line.  I searched out the poem and wrote it down in my print journal - my handwriting on that third line even scratchier than normal.  Occasionally, in my head, I'll hear Keillor read it - his voice matter-of-fact, like an everyday experience.  It always invokes a shudder.

For me, the impact lies not just with imagining the grotesque description, but also in the symbolism regarding death.  You reach out, expecting something normal, and instead experiencing something terrifying.  Such is the reminder that life goes on.  It's difficult to realize that when you die, life will continue.  Just as difficult a realization is that life continues even when you're living.  The difference being that when you're alive, and everything seems regular, it might not be.  Life presses onward and onward, and if you expect normality - the standard, everyday brass doorknob - sometimes you grab hold of something else altogether.

The stone-cold, honest-to-god, absolute, slightly ineffable truth.

"Don't ever tell anybody anything. If you do, you start missing everybody."

---J.D. Salinger, The Catcher in the Rye

Diet Advice

I work for a medical journal; therefore, I find it necessary to post medical advice occasionally. Like medical advice that comes from an email forward. That doesn't make it any less credible, especially that part about the alcohol or the calculating one's BMI...

Diet Questions Answered

Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it. Don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, which means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain = Good!

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.

Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: 'Round' is a shape.