---J.D. Salinger, The Catcher in the Rye
The Lightness of B
Thursday, April 24, 2008
The stone-cold, honest-to-god, absolute, slightly ineffable truth.
"Don't ever tell anybody anything. If you do, you start missing everybody."
Monday, April 21, 2008
Diet Advice
I work for a medical journal; therefore, I find it necessary to post medical advice occasionally. Like medical advice that comes from an email forward. That doesn't make it any less credible, especially that part about the alcohol or the calculating one's BMI...
Diet Questions Answered
Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it. Don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.
Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, which means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain = Good!
Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!
Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.
Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: 'Round' is a shape.
Diet Questions Answered
Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it. Don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.
Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, which means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain = Good!
Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!
Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.
Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: 'Round' is a shape.
Thursday, April 17, 2008
Thirteen Ways of Looking at an iPod
I
Among two teenage siblings
The only speaking thing
Was the sound of the iPod.
II
I was of three minds,
Like an iPod
In which there are three playlists.
III
The iPod whirled in the washing machine.
It was part of the small tragedy.
IV
A man and a woman
Are one.
A man and a woman and an iPod
Are one and a half.
V
I do not know which to prefer,
The beauty of bass
Or the beauty of treble,
The iPod whistling
Both just right.
VI
Icicles filled the long windows
Of my apartment.
The shadow of the iPod
Crossed them, quickly.
My mood
Traced in the shadow
Of having dropped it again.
VII
O fat men of RIAA,
Why do you imagine golden royalties?
Do you not see how the iPod
Holds the bootlegs
Of the pirates around you?
VIII
I know noble ballads
And brash, inescapable powerchords;
But I know, too,
That the iPod is involved
In what I hear.
IX
When the iPod was out of sight
It marked the moment
Of actual solitude.
X
At the sight of an iPod
Glowing a pale light,
The lovers of euphony
Stop their cries.
XI
He rode over Connecticut
In a station wagon with his parents.
Once, a fear pierced him,
In that he realized
The battery was low
On his iPod.
XII
His mouth is moving.
My iPod must be playing.
XIII
It was day all night
It was a party
And there would be a party.
The iPod sat
In its docking station.
Wednesday, April 9, 2008
They know I'm something to be caught
I go out at night on this motorcycle I bought about 6 weeks ago, on my 25th birthday. I love this bike. We seemed to be made for one another. Even the license plate (which has long since expired) says "1983"--the year I was born. I don't believe in fate, but at times I wonder.
In order to legally ride the bike, I need 1) current tags and 2) a motorcycle license. I have neither. I have the title, and about 30 minutes of my time and $75 of my money would get me cleared for tags. The license comes from taking a written/driving test, or taking a 2-day class. I plan on doing this. I will eventually go to the courthouse and get the tags, and I'll take the test, and I'll be completely legal.
But for now, I sneak out at night and ride up and down neighborhoods. Not for any purpose other than clearing my head, keeping the engine running, and wasting gas (hard to waste gas on something that gets 70+ mpg, thankfully). The weather is warm, and there's little traffic, so I practice changing gears and hand signals, all the while warding away any cops with a Jedi-like mantra in my head: "You don't see my tags have expired. No. You don't want to pull me over." Seems to work.
I live where the streets are named after presidents. But there's this bigger neighborhood where I go to ride. All of the streets are named after Robin Hood: characters, location, etc. Where I lived as an undergrad, I used to pass this street called "Cinderella Drive." Now I drive through Sherwood Forest. It's like I moved from one Disney movie to another, but at least none of the animals are singing to me. Yet.
I go slowly up and down each street. I try not to go too fast, because the bike can get loud. At the same time, I don't want to go too slowly and appear to be casing the joint. I pass by people and nod; they usually return the gesture. The other day, I saw a guy getting on his motorcycle. We shared a glance of mutual understanding, sort of like we shared some secret. Though, "secret" is not an appropriate description, because our "secret" was the metallic beasts we rode...which anyone could see.
I like to ride through this area because it's really beautiful. The houses are older, and they're probably not what people would think of as "incredibly nice" nowadays--what, with McMansions popping up on every undeveloped property imaginable--but they're old-school nice. Big yards, gardens, colorful trees and plants. You can pass through at night and smell the life: woodsmoke and fresh cut grass in their respective seasons, homecooked dinners, and of course, the flowers.
When I say it's beautiful, it's not because I aspire to live somewhere like that. Nice as it is...it's still a neighborhood. The yards are big, but not big enough. There are fences. Everything is trapped. Some trees are enclosed in brick circles--like they're these massive plants that someone decided to grow in their front yard. It's all too close, and it's all too restrictive. A little ironic, I suppose, that it would all be named after a hero and his crew who lived away from that type of life.
Still, the visuals are intoxicating: it's like driving through a painting. You're not a part of it--you can't stop and touch it--but it's a nice experience to be connected to something and still very much separate from it.
In order to legally ride the bike, I need 1) current tags and 2) a motorcycle license. I have neither. I have the title, and about 30 minutes of my time and $75 of my money would get me cleared for tags. The license comes from taking a written/driving test, or taking a 2-day class. I plan on doing this. I will eventually go to the courthouse and get the tags, and I'll take the test, and I'll be completely legal.
But for now, I sneak out at night and ride up and down neighborhoods. Not for any purpose other than clearing my head, keeping the engine running, and wasting gas (hard to waste gas on something that gets 70+ mpg, thankfully). The weather is warm, and there's little traffic, so I practice changing gears and hand signals, all the while warding away any cops with a Jedi-like mantra in my head: "You don't see my tags have expired. No. You don't want to pull me over." Seems to work.
I live where the streets are named after presidents. But there's this bigger neighborhood where I go to ride. All of the streets are named after Robin Hood: characters, location, etc. Where I lived as an undergrad, I used to pass this street called "Cinderella Drive." Now I drive through Sherwood Forest. It's like I moved from one Disney movie to another, but at least none of the animals are singing to me. Yet.
I go slowly up and down each street. I try not to go too fast, because the bike can get loud. At the same time, I don't want to go too slowly and appear to be casing the joint. I pass by people and nod; they usually return the gesture. The other day, I saw a guy getting on his motorcycle. We shared a glance of mutual understanding, sort of like we shared some secret. Though, "secret" is not an appropriate description, because our "secret" was the metallic beasts we rode...which anyone could see.
I like to ride through this area because it's really beautiful. The houses are older, and they're probably not what people would think of as "incredibly nice" nowadays--what, with McMansions popping up on every undeveloped property imaginable--but they're old-school nice. Big yards, gardens, colorful trees and plants. You can pass through at night and smell the life: woodsmoke and fresh cut grass in their respective seasons, homecooked dinners, and of course, the flowers.
When I say it's beautiful, it's not because I aspire to live somewhere like that. Nice as it is...it's still a neighborhood. The yards are big, but not big enough. There are fences. Everything is trapped. Some trees are enclosed in brick circles--like they're these massive plants that someone decided to grow in their front yard. It's all too close, and it's all too restrictive. A little ironic, I suppose, that it would all be named after a hero and his crew who lived away from that type of life.
Still, the visuals are intoxicating: it's like driving through a painting. You're not a part of it--you can't stop and touch it--but it's a nice experience to be connected to something and still very much separate from it.
Saturday, April 5, 2008
Postmodern Faulkner
Maybe I've been out of school for too long, or maybe I've been watching too much TV, but I'm almost through season 2 of Arrested Development and I'm thinking you can make direct parallels between the show/story/characters and The Sound and the Fury.
Check it: the decay of a prominent family. Three sons, one daughter...youngest is completely dependant, one son is selfish and self-centered, daughter's sexuality is a big theme, and one son is trying to press onward & survive. Affairs. Hints of incest. Death. Put the Compsons in modern-day southern CA, give them a real estate company, and make the downfall funny instead of...well...not so funny. Then tell me it's not the same.
Check it: the decay of a prominent family. Three sons, one daughter...youngest is completely dependant, one son is selfish and self-centered, daughter's sexuality is a big theme, and one son is trying to press onward & survive. Affairs. Hints of incest. Death. Put the Compsons in modern-day southern CA, give them a real estate company, and make the downfall funny instead of...well...not so funny. Then tell me it's not the same.
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